Lately, you may have noticed the extremely cold temperatures outside. Other than a few snow days, this cold is horrible. I can’t walk outside without a little shiver or run of the nose. Yet the left is still trying to push the effects of global warming? Now I’m no scientist, but “warming” is the opposite of cold. Now you may say, “Jackson, isn’t this extreme cold also an effect of the change in climate due to humans?” To which I’ll probably replay, “nerd.” Anyway, if anything, this “climate change” shouldn’t be opposed, but rather embraced. Before you know it, DC will become a tropical paradise. Rising sea levels may even lead to some beachfront dorms. So here are some great tips and tricks to help you stay warm this winter and every winter for the rest of time (until we destroy the planet in like a century or two):
1.) Leave the lights on. Whenever you leave a room, be sure to keep the lights on. This helps to increase the burning of fossil fuels and fill the atmosphere with those hot, hot greenhouse gases. Plus, you’ll be making the room nice and cozy for all the rats that probably also live there.
2.) Put everything in the landfill bin at Leo’s. It’s always important to make sure nothing gets reduced, reused, or recycled. This way, factories will have to make more, and, in doing so, make the world warmer too. After throwing away your waste, be sure to throw in some extra utensils too, just for good measure. While you’re at it, drop some extra bowl lids in and maybe even some of the condiment bottles scattered around. Every little waste helps. Lately, cold-loving eco-warriors have been placed around the various waste disposal locations in Leo’s to harass passersby. Take no heed to these detestable monsters and toss everything in that one can.
3.) Drive everywhere you go. Although we live in a city and Georgetown doesn’t allow you to keep a car anywhere, those strange electric scooters that are everywhere for some reason make a great alternative to gas-guzzling automobiles. Despite the fact everyone will loathe you for scootering around (you know it’s true, don’t deny it), you’ll be using up valuable electricity. I’m told these are actually powered by solar panels, but, as I have not yet actually looked at one of these scooters myself, I will just assume this is false and they are actually run by the pressurized remains of dinosaurs.
4.) Drink everything with a plastic straw. I’m told every time you use a plastic straw a sea turtle is brutally murdered. Although this may seem gruesome, sea turtles are actually one of the leading causes of cold weather, as they are reptiles and cold-blooded. It’s up to us warm-blooded creatures to put a stop to the vile atrocities committed by the reptilian kind, whether it be making the temperature a few degrees lower or having complete and utter control over all society (I’m talking about you, reptilian Sarah Palin).
5.) Start a fire. Fire is one of the warmest things I know, so starting fires must be a great way to fight the cold. Half the dorms here already have faulty alarm systems, so no one will even notice if you start a little trashcan flame in your room. Even if everything goes awry and you burn down a dorm hall, Georgetown will probably have to put you up in a hotel for the time being, and that is hella nice.
DISCLAIMER: This is satire. Do not take it seriously. Please do not start fires. Leave that to the professionals.