With the midterms over and the nation gearing up for the 2016 presidential elections, Republicans strategists are already vetting staffers for their upcoming campaigns. The newest innovation? The live censor. Leading Republican strategist Karl Rove, the creator of this new position, explained the role that this new tool will serve.
“The live censor position is my newest project and a really exciting prospect for the GOP. Essentially, this staffer will supervise all of his candidate’s public appearances and perform live crisis control by “bleeping” the offensive bits—those sexist, rude, or just uncomfortable statements that our candidates are so fond of making.”
How does the censor do this? The staffer simply screams into the mike for the duration of the inappropriate comment. “He can make any type of noise,” Rove says, “from a high wail to a series of rapid clicks, or even a wheezing cough. Anything that drowns out Todd Akin’s ill-informed rants about the female body or Christie’s reporter-directed expletives. There’s a lot of room for creativity here.”
The live censors will be chosen for their ability to blend into the crowd well. Prospective candidates such as Sen. Rand Paul and Marco Rubio have reportedly been vetting their golf caddies as potential candidates. “Richard shows a lot of promise,” Republican hopeful Rick Santorum shared of his own caddie, “He’s got good taste in pastels, a pretty pasty complexion, and some serious lungs on him. I’ve heard him yell ‘Fore’ at a number of other golfers down the course and I’m sure he can drown me out when he needs to.” Santorum adds that his caddy’s “East coast prep” look will fit in quite well with the soccer moms and stiff older men that usually crowd the podium.
Rove expects that the political censor to be a prominent player in the upcoming campaign of nearly every upcoming presidential candidate. “We’ve already practiced a bit with the midterms,” he admits, “Did you notice how gaffe-free the election cycle was? We had a network of live censors coughing, sneezing, and making generally disruptive noises at just the right moments.”
Rove admits that there are still some flaws in the system. “We could have used a more competent censor during the midterm in Florida,” he states. While Governor Rick Scott refused to take the stage at a debate due to his opponent’s podium due to the portable fan on his opponent’s podium, his censor failed to act. The unpaid intern, reportedly incredulous that his governor would take issue over such a small detail, was later sacked.
With the widespread diffusion of live censors within the GOP, even some Democrats are also taking note. Vice President Joe Biden’s Chief of Staff recently posted a job listing for a live censor. The ad concludes, “Hiring ASAP.”
NOTE: This article is satire and is not meant to reflect the statements or views of Karl Rove, Rand Paul, or any other officials mentioned.