The “Voters First” GOP Presidential Forum, an event featuring fourteen of the seventeen declared candidates for the Republican presidential nomination, took place last Monday. Each candidate had the chance to give a speech to try and justify their claim to candidacy. The following is a candid and honest synopsis of each candidate’s attempt to do just that.
Rick Perry: If I speak very loudly, it’ll make the stupid things I say sound better. Think I wouldn’t compare the Great Depression to Jimmy Carter? You couldn’t be wronger [sic]. Also, TEXAS!
Rick Santorum: I sweat profusely and stammer words I should be saying with confidence. My only regret of writing the Welfare Reform Act is that I didn’t get to screw over food stamps recipients too. And yes, I do have the gall to compare the recent SCOTUS ruling on gay marriage to the Dred Scott decision, which shows that I don’t understand civil rights at all. My wife should be on the $10 bill.
John Kasich: I too sweat profusely, and I’m not afraid to tell an awful LeBron joke.
Lindsey Graham: I’m literally only going to talk about foreign policy, which I intend to execute by punching and slapping terrorists. No, seriously, I call it my “clenched fist and open hand” policy. Putin will cower with fear from my simple inauguration, and I am running to be a superhero for America. I stumble trying to pronounce gender pronouns, and I laugh at my own unfunny jokes. Also, Washington needs more alcoholics.
Chris Christie: I’m a fat panderer who answers every question the way I want to answer it, not the way I’m supposed to—by addressing the point of the question. I was US Attorney of NJ for seven years, which means I’m qualified to fight terrorists. Old people should deliberately give up their social security, because ‘Murica.
Ben Carson: I have only one specialty, and I don’t know anything about it. I wrote eight books, and I will make sure SCOTUS justices use UNDERSTAND the constitution (because it’s not like that’s their job or anything…)
Jeb Bush: I’m good at sounding like I know what I’m talking about, while saying things that clearly indicate otherwise. My dad is the most perfect man alive. I’ve got a “swag store” that sells t-shirts that say, “I’ll take you outside” if you insult my papa.
Carly Fiorina: I insist that this election is about leadership, even though no one has ever said that that’s what this election is about. I’m an excellent leader, even though everything I’ve ever lead has ended in failure. I’m focused on cracking down on government workers who watch porn. I am a woman.
Bobby Jindal: I’m not an Indian-American, I’m an AMERICAN-AMERICAN! No one’s a hyphenated American. To prove how much I love America, I will emphasize how much Europe, terrorists, socialism, and people who are bad at math suck. Guns are awesome! More stupid things that will make the shock all the more greater when you find out that I was once a Rhodes Scholar. “We don’t need four more years of on-the-job training,” which is a statement that disqualifies not only me but literally every single person running for president except Joe Biden, who hasn’t announced yet.
Scott Walker: I’m excruciatingly boring.
George Pataki: I’m as boring as Scott Walker and I stammer more than Rick Santorum, but unlike everyone else I like Democrats. No, I LOVE Democrats. Also, human rights aren’t important to me.
Rand Paul: I wait several awkward seconds before answering each question. I think states are better than America. I talk to black people quite often. I’m the only Republican leading Hillary Clinton in Pennsylvania. Amazingly, I am the first candidate of the night to utter Ronald Reagan’s hallowed, sacred name.
Ted Cruz: I have perfected the art of talking to you as if I care while clearly looking as if I don’t. Hyperbole isn’t something I use for effect; it’s literally present in every word that exits my mouth. I will humblebrag about how Obama attacked me personally, even though the president has never so much as mentioned me by name in a speech ever. Iran sucks, Cuba sucks, Jimmy Carter sucks, terrorism sucks, Obama sucks, my colleagues suck, and I have a new affinity for the word “cartel.” My hatred for Obamacare can’t be linguistically comprehended. I am the second person to utter Ronald Reagan’s hallowed, sacred name, and in true Cruz fashion, I did it by comparing him to me.
Marco Rubio: I don’t like weed, it’s a gateway drug. I do like America, which is also a gateway drug, for illegals. I talk about the sharing economy to prove I’m hip. Just don’t ask me about the Wu Tang Clan.
Stay tuned for updates as the 2016 campaign picks up, and this exceedingly strong and exciting pool of candidates continue to fight for the GOP nomination.
Note: This is a piece of satire and is not to be interpreted as fact.